What a summer!

Dear Mummy

I realise I have blabbered on about my dreams and stuff without actually telling you how the summer has gone. Well it's August now, and I've been down since late June. Fiona and I had fun going to the beach and hanging out on the trampoline etc etc it was lovely to have her here. It felt very empty when she left. I know Ruthie misses her a lot.

Ruth's A-Level results come in this Thursday, she is extremely nervous - she seems to be considering the possibility of having to retake the year. I honestly don't think she has done as bad as that but as that is her fear I can only be there to support her. We have a two way plan - if she passes we plan to go out and celebrate. If she fails we plan to make a plan on how to help her through next year and get her hammered in the mean time.

I heard from the college and have secured accommodation for next year, am getting very excited now - I hope it will turn out to be as much fun as I hope it to be. Obviously the major advantage will be that I can jump out of bed at 8.45 and not have to worry about buses and things :D

I have had my results posted through. I received a level 6 in my NC and an A in my higher, both in the subject of Early Education and Childcare, so I am a very happy bunny.

I forgot to mention that I have actually met up with Stuart this holiday. We went out one Friday night a couple of weeks back. We went to the beach and had a McDonalds and stuff. It was strange 'cause I was expecting it to feel like I was with a complete stranger, when in fact it was just like getting my best friend back. He was an idiot mind and extraordinarily frustrating and obnoxious as expected, but at the same time annoyingly gorgeous nonetheless. I do not yet know if we are meeting up again before I go or not. Part of me really wants to see more of him, and part of me wants to leave it as it is as we got on really well and I have lots of happy memories now, and I don't really want to put them in jeopardy.

I am getting ready to write a list of things I will need to take with me to the college, Dad and Corinne have talked about getting me a mini-fridge for my goats' milk and cheese and stuff, but I don't know if this is happening yet. I really don't want to leave Ruthie here alone, I think she will be dreadfully unhappy next year with all her friends gone off to uni and her needing a job in the hospital, which means she will have to drop her dino job, even if the new one is just voluntary as she needs the experience for her nurses course. On the plus side, she has a car now so she can at least get away independently when she needs to.

Much love and kisses

Heather xoxoxoxox

Strange Dreams

Dear Mummy

I had this really strange dream last night and it has totally freaked me out. Firstly there was no sound it was all very odd and very real. The doorbell went and I answered it and it was Stuart, and we went round to the trampoline to talk or something. Anyway - this being the first really perculiar part - we stopped talking bacause he kissed me. And then mid kiss, I stabbed him. In the lower abdomen. And my hands and this strange but beautiful dagger were covered in his blood, and yet we didn't stop kissing. And I didn't stop stabbing. And I rolled on top of him and sliced him open from neck to navel and reached my hands underneath his skin on one side and pressed down until his ribs broke beneath me. And I could feels his bones and his organs and his blood was everywhere and dripping through the holes in the trampoline. And he was still kissing me.

This of course is when Ruth woke me up, so I have no idea if all this craziness had any moral. All I know is that I have woken up completely freaked out.

I don't know. Guess I just needed to tell someone. Possibly a psychiatrist or something, but as I don't have one any more, you will have to do. Hope you're having fun singing with the angels and all that,

Love you

Heather xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Heroes

Dear Mummy

I think I'm going to hell. Actually I'm pretty sure of it. You see, if it is a sin to even think a sin then actually committing one must be a one-way ticket downwards.

I've recently got into this TV programme called Heroes, and its about this group of people with special powers who set out to save the world. And it focusses around this guy called Peter Petrelli - who is played by Milo Ventimiglia and is, incidently, sizzling hot - anyway he is certain he can save the whole world, onlyto find out that he alone is the threat that the world is facing.

Why am I going to hell you are asking? Because after every programme, i dedicate my evening's daydreams to getting Peter and his brother Nathan into a relationship. Which i guess is about as wrong as you can get! But hey, hot guys are asking for it.

It's nice being home, Ruth is even more beautiful than ever and Norfolk is even more boring. I can't wait to leave again, though admittedly I don't know that I have yet found anywhere else I really feel happy at home either.

Ruth is showing me Michael Jackson teaching Michael Jordan to dance. She's been really upset since he died, I don't honestly know whether she will ever truly get over it.

Anyway, i gotta go. Have a body-shop party tonight. Which would be a lot more fun if I actually had money to spend! Lol :)

Love you so much

Your hell-bound daughter

Heather xoxox

Peter Pan

(This was written on Saturday at my Grandpa's house. Due to lack of internet it is only being uploaded now x)

Dear Mummy,

I just watched a movie I really shouldn't have, it's one of Ruth's favourites. Jeremy Sumpter plays Peter Pan and she happens to think he's cute. Anyway, I try not to watch it as a rule, partly because I don't like watching anything with a love theme, and partly because I still struggle seeing small blue eyed blonde boys. But there was nothing else on so I chose it for something to do.

The thing is for whatever reason it makes my heart ache for Stuart. Cos it's about two people who spend time together, doing nothing in particular - but the girl falls in love with him. And because of who Peter is he can't fall in love back. He is physically and mentally unable to. And there's this point in the movie where love gets in the way and he asks "Why do you have to ruin everything? We have fun don't we, what more is there?". And that's where I start crying and don't stop until the end of the movie.

See, I don't know what was worse; when I was in high school and loved Stuart with no chance of reciprication, or knowing him now and knowing he chooses not to.

I can be as gay as I like, but it doesn't matter how many girls I dream of or want, part of me will always belong to him. Because I'm an idiot. I used to say that maybe I wouldn't love him anymore, maybe it would all be different. But I saw him in October and nothing and everything had changed, and I love him Mummy - he doesn't know what love is. He understands lust and passion maybe, but I don't believe he's ever felt a true emotion in his life; the only woman who will ever matter to him is his mother. And maybe that's the way it should be.

I just have to remind myself that he is part of the reason I upped and moved 400 miles away, and just because we are talking now and I am going home for the summer, does not overrule those reasons. Or the fact I landed in a psychiatric ward. Just because you love something doesn't mean it is good for you. Take cigarettes for example, or alcohol or drugs.

I am getting better, I know I am - I look in the mirror and smile at who I see. I am not about to stop talking to him, i've considered it - but I've been in a world without him before and I didn't like it. It is better to have him as a sort of friend than not to have him at all I guess.

I love you Mummy - they say I have separation issues because you died and I never delt with it. But I love you and all you did for me, and you were in pain and I wouldn't have had it any other way, not for you. I love you so much,

Heather xxxxxxxxxx

Victorian Assembly

Dear Mummy

At Hannah's request I went to see her perform in her Victorian assembly this morning, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was funny, witty and extremely cute.

But I felt out of place. Even though I had been invited I still felt like a gate crasher surrounded by rolls royce and porche drivers who are spending a small fortune to put their children through this school. And I felt that people were shunning me, looking in my direction but not physically seeing me. Is it that obvious I'm not rolling in money?

I felt like an outsider and a downright outcast this morning. The school was lovely and the work displayed was bright and very well done, but it still felt like a completely different world to me. It was like this reign of academic achievement, with little warmth and little care for the pupils themselves.

Hannah did very well, she was a delight.

Heather xox

Finally....

Dear Mummy,

I am so sorry i have not written to you recently - I have been in full panic over exams and placement folders and such stuff. I hope you're okay and enjoying an afterlife of luxury.

So anyway, that's all the exams over i hope - unless of course I fail and have to resit tomorrow, but to be honest I am not planning that!

I am going home over the holidays - I can't wait. I am taking Fiona with me as well so I will have fun being a tourist in my own county for a while. We are taking a coach down there, it'll be about 14 hours or something equally stupid. We have lots of games planned though so we shouldn't go too crazy. Of course we may be fed up of each other by the end of it but I hope not.

I had a lovely birthday, i was spoilt rotten with clothes and money so am a happy girl.

I have also applied for accommodation at the college next year which should be an experience. I can cope with the independence - it's sharing cooking facilities that is going to kill me! You should have seen the state of this place when they showed me round: I'm going to go mad! Daddy says he will bring me back up instead of the bus as i will need to take stuff like crockery with me. I can't wait if I'm honest. I'm going mad in here. I love my cousins but it has to be detrimental to my emotional heath living with my uncle. He bangs on about making an effort and looking good etc. then he goes out of his way to lower my self esteem and make me feel like a fucking freak. So I really am ready to leave.

I don't know what I am going to do about Stuart this summer. I hope we can meet up and hang out but I think it will feel odd and other worldly - part of me will always adore him no matter what and I know he gives very little thought to me. We will have to see what happens - I will once again leave it in the hands of Fate - I just pray she is nice to me.

I am looking forward to seeing Gavin this holiday, life always seems so much better and more complete when he is around. He really is a blessing to me and anyone lucky enough to have him in their life.

Ruthie is in the middle of her A-Levels at the moment - she has psychology today. I think she is finding it much harder than she expected. But she's bright and I'm sure will be okay, if she just stops panicking for a second that is :)

Anyways - I'm gonna go and maybe do some writing or reading or summit. I wrote poems on Saturday for the first time in ages, it felt good.

Love you lots and lots

Heather xoxoxoxoxoxox

Message In A Bottle

Dear Mummy,

Last Saturday Hannah recieved a letter in the post. it was from a couple in lincolnshire who were returning her letter to her. this may seem like an ordinary, if slightly odd circumstance - but three years ago Hannah posted this letter in a wine bottle and flung it off the coast of John O'Groats. it is nice to think there is some hope left in the world, that people will try to brighten the life of a small child by taking a stranger into their hearts for just a moment.

we have had a horrible scare with Ross the last couple of days - we thought he might be down with meninitis, but he seems to have recovered now. in fact he is now overly hyper and is driving his parents up the wall.

i was out at placement today, it was glorious outside so i took my activity onto the patio and sat with the children there. we were making under the sea pictures, it was very popular. tomorrow we are going to make a 3D one, i have made a little aquarium out of a box and they are going to make fishes to hang in there like theyre swimming so that should be good..........either that or a disaster.

i miss you lots - especially as ruthie is coming up next week to see me. i miss her too


love you lots and lots and lots
Heather xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ghosts and Angels

Dear Mummy

I'd like to start by telling you about a movie i saw today. it was made the year after you died and is called the 6th sense. it starts when a child psychiatrist gets shot by a former patient he failed to help - the patient then shoots himself. the rest of the movie is about this psychiatrist, malcolm, trying to improve the life of a boy with a similar case so that he doesnt make the same mistake twice. his marriage seemingly falls apart over it and his whole life is distracted by it.

the new patient is a boy called cole who lives in fear of the things he can see that other people only feel along the back of their neck or down their spine. cole can see ghosts. anyway malcolm helps him by believing in his story and convincing him to listen to these ghosts and help them. the boy is a lot better for it. in return cole tells malcolm how to communicate with his wife again - he tells him to talk to her in her sleep when she is listening, even if she doesnt know it.

malcolm goes home and finds her sleeping in the armchair. she stirs and asks why he left her. he tells her sleeping form he never left and he loves her. she drops from her hand his wedding ring.

i never saw it coming.

malcolm died the day he was shot. he spent 9/10ths of the movie as a ghost - hovering between this world and the next. i just sat there with silent tears pouring down my cheeks at the wonder of how alone he must have been never to realise that people never spoke to him on the street or in a shop. the only voice in his life was that of a small, frightened boy.

i was standing at the bus stop in Glasgow on Saturday. a man came up to me wheeling a small blue suitcase and wearing a rather untidy beard. he asked if i was alright. as a true British i answered with yes and hoped he would move on, which he did. but he had not reached the end of the pavement before turning around and heading back to me. he asked again if i was ok. he said he was not trying to pick me up or come on to me - he said that i looked so solemn and so sad. he explained that he had fucked up his life and said i should live mine. he told me to be happy.

it broke my heart to think people i see everyday do not notice how i am suffering at the moment - especially over missing you - and yet a complete stranger can see it so clearly, even from over the other side of the road.

he was right behind me when the bus came. i got on the bus, showed my ticket and sat down before looking out the window. the man was gone. i looked out the other side of the window and down the lengths of the long street and he was nowhere.

i always thought an angel would wear white and be very pretty. but i think i encountered one on Saturday. i sat on that bus and cried. i had been ready to slit my wrists and take my tablets til i never woke up again. but by the time that bus had pulled away i knew i wanted to live again; i wanted to live life to the full.

maybe i am blessed, maybe i was lucky. maybe i was so low and upset that i was hallucinating. but maybe, just maybe, this live is worth living after all

Happy Mothering Sunday Mum,
Your loving daughter,

Heather xoxoxox

Written in the Library

Dear Mummy,

I had jelly this morning. i don't like jelly, but it didn't stop me. then i rang daddy; he is off to Ireland for the week. if i hadn't have rung this morning i wouldn't have caught him.

if i hadn't have rung this morning i wouldn't have even known.


david was talking about you and gran last night. i had to excuse my self so that i could howl my eyes out without anyone there. i rang ruth though, i think i started her off.

we were too young. we all were. daddy was too young to raise two girls by himself

ruth was too young to lose you, i was too young to live without you

and you - you were too young to die. far, far too young

i cried yesterday like i hadn't cried in years. i cried until my chest was heaving and my throat was sore. i cried myself dry, until i was headachy and dehydrated

i cried for you like i probably should have done ten years ago. i'm not strong enough mummy; i am not strong enough to keep on going all by myself - i need somebody bigger and stronger than me to carry me through it

why you? why did my mummy have to die? didn't they know how much we needed you? why couldn't you have got better?

i want to blame someone. i want to blame you for dying - but you were in too much pain to live. i want to blame the doctors that couldn't save you, but they did all they could and fought right up to the last minute

sometimes i want to blame god

if god is all powerful, then he should be able to take away illness. if god is so merciful, he should not have left two children without a mother. if god is so wonderful, he should have raised you from the dead

it seems selfish that he raised his own child but cannot raise someone else's

why do some people live though cancer and some are consumed entirely by it? how can your own body fight against itself until it eventually kills you?

i blame the cancer. i blame the evil within us. we need to fight against the cancer and find cures for this cancer

this week the Japanese have created a humanoid robot. how can people put so much effort into that when they could concentrate on saving lives and finding cures?

when you died we were offered anger therapy, but as dad quite rightly said, we weren't angry.

i'm angry now


heather xoxox

The Absence of Childhood

Dear Mummy

Hannah was out on a date today. i'm nearly 20 and i can't get a date, but my 7 yr old cousin has them queuing up round the corner.

anyway it was all very sweet and he gave her an 'i love you' card and took her to the cinema and for dinner and gave her a kiss in the car.......

but i wonder are we encouraging our children to grow up too fast? childhood is a wondrous gift that should not be thrown away so lightly. at the beginning of Stephenie Meyer's 'Breaking Dawn' there is the following quotation:

"Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies"
Edna St. Vincent Millay

in this world today there are too many children, who by this definition have lost their childhood. it is prominent in less economically developed counties where children lose parents to childbirth, HIV, meningitis, influenza. it is more common than we think, even here on our own streets.

we don't like to think of death even as adults, and we shun from the thought of a child living with bereavement.

illness and disability can give way to bereavement of childhood - too many young carers have lost their rights as children due to the daily struggles of caring for family members.

Comic relief is out to help many children in situations like these. its aim is to give children back some of that innocence and childhood that they deserve and have so cruelly lost.

according to Millay's definition of childhood, mine ended at nine years of age when i lost my Gran and you. i am glad to say that although i may have had to grow up, i have not grown old. for i am still safe in the arms of those who love me - my Daddy will always see me as his little girl

Heather xoxoxox

Who is God?

Dear Mummy

To our generation, God is probably best represented by Morgan Freeman. both Bruce and Evan Almighty are comedic movies and yet each shares a vital message about our God. sometimes i think God would be honoured to be played by such an actor

my friend recently posted the following link on their facebook page. it made me think about who my God is and what He means to me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2z15FlTONVo

Heather x

Drowning

Dear Mummy

On Thursday Carrie left nursery. she had been working there for over ten years and was finally moving on. as she worked the other half of the week to me i have only met her 3 times, yet those times have been an imprint in my life

the headteacher gave a quick goodbye speech in which she highlighted the talents, creativity and memories that not only make Carrie so special, but also are the key components of why she will be missed

and i sat in that room, full of complete strangers, and cried my eyes out for the loss of a woman i hardly knew. if i grow up to be half the nursery 'officer' she is, i will be only too happy.


i sat up late last night and talked for ages to my auntie. i gave up on the laptop as i had a killer migraine and we sat downstairs and talked. we talked about love - and the lack of it. we talked about memories and their poignancy. and we talked about you

and i missed you with a fever, with a burning that started so deep inside of me like a crevice that can never never be filled. it's at times like this that i have to remember what happens to the dead.

they stay dead. stay dead. stay dead.

and sometimes the most dead of all are still breathing but not in our lives. the dead do not return. the dead to not think or remember.

we do not drown by falling into the water.

we drown only by staying there.



i think i need to learn how to move on and leave the past where it belongs

heather xox

Things I would like to say to him, but know I never will

Can't you see it?
Can't you see it when you look at me?
It's screaming out for the whole world to see -
That I love you
That you're every other part of me


the thing is, i'm never going to wake up and suddenly realise that i'm in love with him.

because i'm already in love with him; i've been in love with him all along

Falling

Dear Mummy

A little while back my friend posted the following on her blog "We succeed we fail, you win some you lose some, and some times we fly and sometimes we fall, that's just life!"

my sister has a 'flair' on her cork board which reads "sometimes the person you fall for is just not ready to catch you"

today i read in Terry Pratchett's 'Going Postal':

" I wonder if it's like this for mountain climbers, he thought. You climb bigger and bigger mountains and you know that one day one of them is going to be just that bit too steep. But you go on doing it, because it's so-o good when you breathe the air up there. And you know you'll die falling "

there are so many ways in which falling can be a metaphor for life. not only is there the thrill and the adrenaline as you feel the air slip past you, but there is the overwhelming knowledge that at some point you will hit the ground and may never get up again. as a species we throw ourselves into situations and all too often the fall itself is not what kills our hope.

for all too often we live for hope. hope is the drive that pulls us forward. we all know the things that will never happen, but we get up each day and go about our routines in case one day - today - is the day the impossible blesses us with a visit.

i have hopes. a hope that one day someone will ask me to stay in their life, instead of letting me walk out of it. a hope that i am someone worth fighting for. a hope that one day when i fall, someone will go out of their way to catch me.

heather xoxox

Dying Young

Dear Mummy

when i was talking to stuart last night he told me he was going to die young. he said he just 'knew'. i told him i just wanted to reach 37 - that would make me one year older than you.

i think there are hidden blessings in dying young. no one ever remembers you with wrinkles. you never have to forget peoples names or places you've been. no one has to take you to the toilet and lift you out of bed.

then again you miss out on lots too. years and years of memories. i finished watching skins yesterday. at the end of the second season chris died. he had a tumour in his brain or something. his girlfriend had chosen to abort their baby because it was hereditary, and then she was left with nothing.

earlier in the series chris tried his hand at a house agent - he sold houses by asking people if this was the house they wanted to make their memories in. was this the house they wanted to see when they looked back at the time their daughter first walked, or mad new years parties, or sex on the kitchen table. chris based his pitch on memories.

there were a lot of memories of chris, he was a druggie. abandoned by his parents, expelled from college. but his father didnt want to remember him that way so he banned chris's friends from attending the funeral in case they caused a riot. the 'christopher miles' he buried was not the chris who lived. who lived life to the full. he died young but he had lived fast and lived hard. at the end his friends set off fireworks.

they will always remember him as a young fun loving, party going, fuck-up of a guy! and he will live forever in those memories. dying young is not something i would wish on anyone, but i know that you left us with beautiful memories and wonderful times to look back on. i know that in dying, you lost all that pain that had been haunting you for years. and i know you didnt give in sooner because you loved us.

and even though you never saw us leave high school, never saw ruth in the school play, or heard her speak in church. even though you will never see us get married, or meet your grandchildren, i know that none of us will ever forget you or let you really leave us. because you're in here - i can feel you with every heartbeat. and i know that the life you led, and the memories you left, were those of the best kind.

those who are loved will never die. the loved will live forever.

heather xoxox

When I Close My Eyes

When I close my eyes for a while
I see the way you laugh and smile
The way you gave life that flair
The way that you were always there

And it breaks my heart to remember
The events of that December
To lose you in the cold and snow
To know the way you had to go

And the way you lay with hands like ice
And a beautiful face that still looked ‘nice’
And through my fears I hear your voice
As if my crying was not my choice

And I need you now to hold me close
It’s times like this I miss you most
When these words they echo in my head:

You’re dead.

You’re dead.
You're dead, you’re dead.

The Space That Is Left

I call your name on the wind
Certain that you might hear me
But a shiver trickles down my spine
And I know I am only alone

The years that passed have merged
And I can no longer count them
Off the top of my head –
My flooding, empty head

Would you judge me, begrudge me
For my hopeless, lonesome heart?

Mother, you knew me
Mummy, you mothered me
And now you are gone
I feel the loss; the space that is left

I try to fill it – I fail
I try to leave it – I fall
I miss you
Love you
Need you
Mummy? Hold me tonight

Dream

Dear Mummy

I had this dream last night where a bomb went off. we were in school, or somewhere that was supposed to be school, and some people were running away from it before it blew and some people didn't know what was happening so they curiously crept forward for a closer look.

they were buried in this mass grave on a hill with a big plaque. in this dream half the people i know died. people i went to school with, had lunch with, did lessons alongside for 4 years. and i didn't give a shit. i was running through the screaming, and the mass of bodies looking for stuart. just stuart. i didn't care in the rest of the population had been blown to smithereens, as long as he had lived through it.

there wasn't even enough of him left to bury. just charcoal and ash. and i sat in the rubble and the blood and was angry. just angry, no tears, not upset - just angry. then i woke up.

i always wonder what those sorts of dreams mean.

heather xoxoxox

Going Bananas

Dear Mummy,

you really missed out on all the fun on friday. our nursery class was taking part in the big fairtrade banana friday where we were helping to break the world record for the most people eating a fairtrade banana in one day. i don't know if we managed.

so anyway, there we are with bananas stuck all over us, playing banana games and singing banana songs. in fact i taught all 80 children our banana song from brownies. everything was fine in the gym hall until suddenly miss wilson says everyone look at miss houlden and all these eyes just stare at me, the moment was topped off of course by the fact i had to sing. a dangerous thing in the first place.

so im going bananas here. missing my family but not wanting to go home. wanting to pass this course but too lazy to do the work. heather always gives up, right? that's what you'll remember - that i never stuck at anything. well im trying. i sat writing up some of my spontaneous activities yesterday at grandpas so have got some work done.

am gonna try and make pancakes now, had to hunt fro the frying pan mind, and it appears we have no whisk. i am beginning to really miss my step-mother's organisation

love you lots and lots
your eldest
heather xoxoxox

memories and hugs

Dear Mummy

My trainer was off today so i was running our area all by myself. it's hard, dealing with children. they have no sense of authority or obedience. i was so close to losing my temper today which of course i couldnt do. but maybe this career just isnt for me.....

anyway. was thinking about memories today. mainly the good times i had in high school when all my friends were boys. in particular the moment when kyle went from a massive crush to me actually loving him. it was on a stairwell, it was science. whatever. anyway the point i was making is that i deal better now, i used to really get mad when i did something wrong or got embarrassed and then i would scream and lash out, hit people and swear. i realised today just how much better i am. i can stand back now, look at those times and laugh at myself. i wish i had been this person in high school.

ruth is upset because she's fallen out with her friends again, and corinne is upset because i dont want to go down for Easter.

what do i want? i want a man hug. there i said it. i want some guy friends in my life so i can get a lynx scented hug.

love you

heather xoxoxoxox

p.s.

it's all okay - i woke up this morning without any changes to my emotional system!

a worrying thought

Dear Mummy

i received some exam results today. i passed both of them. i've been writing a bit too, trying to make my story make sense to the rest of this crazy world.

i miss gavin, mum. i miss him so much. what if he was the love of my life and i never knew? what if he is everything i want and i never get? what if i wake up one day and realise i dont just love and adore him, but that im in love with him? what if its not enough? right now i just miss my best friend and the comfort he brings me when my life seems empty and my path seems overgrown.

shit - i hope i never wake up in love with him. ew.

heather xoxoxox

writing

Dear Mummy

Sometimes i fear i will never be able to finish this book. on days like today i can come up with an excellent extract that says just what i want it to convey and then after that i go blank. everything else ive written suddenly pales in comparison and i feel i have to start all over again.

i finished breaking dawn. i was so worried i wouldnt like it as she ends up edward rather than jacob, but i was pleasantly satisfied with the ending presented, not to mention the opportunities for a sequel.

i wish i had my letters to stuart up here with me, i think i would blog them for the whole world to see, knowing i would be quite safe in the assumption that he would still never read them.

i spoke to my friend brian the other day, it was nice to hear from home. or at least someone from that end. i dont want to go back though. leaving was one of the best decisions iv ever made.

i love you

heather xoxox

Peapodo Training And A Little Bit Of Heartbreak

Dear Mummy

I had a session of peapodo training today. it's a brand new initiative that is being introduced into nurseries in this area. it was like a beanstalk which 7 large coloured peas grew of off. each of these pea pods contained a different resource which you could use with the children.

• 3 mp3 players
• 5 scented ink pads
• 7 blindfolds
• 7 finger torches
• 1 superhero cape
• 2 large blank dice
• 7 magic wands

so i was sitting there full of joy! there are so many things i want to do with that, and the manual that comes with it is just bursting with activities. anyway my enthusiasm must have shown because now i'm the peapodo coordinator. great move heather.

anyway...on the subject of heartbreak, my soul died just a little bit more on two different occasions yesterday. the first was when i realised that in taking a course in early education and childcare i wasnt just getting an education or setting myself up for a decent job, i was assigning myself a career. i dont want a career, i just want to write a good book and earn enough money that i can afford to do nothing but write for the rest of my life. what if i cant do this? what if i'm not cut out to be a childcare worker...what if i never achieve my dreams?

the second, more soul destroying point was when i talked to stuart yesterday. stuart was a friend i had in high school. he was, for a while, my best friend ever. i remember so much about him and all the stupid things we did - i even wrote a novel all about it. well it turns out he cant remember any of it. everything that is so essential to my life at that time means nothing to him. a little bit of me died last night, knowing that two people can share an experience and come out of it in two completely different ways, with two completely different views as to its importance and life changing ability. i think i feel sorry for him, maybe not all those memories and experiences were positive ones, but without a doubt they helped to contribute to making me the person i am today. and i'm a stronger and better person for it, and its disappointing to think he may have missed out on that.

love you

Heather xoxoxoxoxox

Exam

Dear Mummy,

I had an exam today, it was on holistic health. i wasn't too worried as i'd revised and was calm about the whole situation. anyway the crunch of the matter was that i was put in a room with a whole lotta people who were typing, chatting etc so i kinda walked out. i'm annoyed cos after i left college last time i promised i'd never walk out of these things again. what if i walk away from everything forever?

Heather xoxoxox

p.s. expect a fail on this one, sorry

sugar rush

Dear Mummy

I had another uneventful day. i got up late and watched two seasons of sugar rush. it's about a girl who has a massive crush on her best friend who is just generally a slut who sleeps around and uses her for selfish means. it's a parody of my life i swear. it just has a lot more sex in it than in mine. a lot of people say that girls will inevitably turn out like their mothers, so i gotta know - did you ever like girls. cos news flash, you've got a gay daughter and dad's not too happy with it, and it makes me wonder ur reaction. i have depression, were you ever depressed. the first guy i loved played the drums - did yours. the second i still adore and is my very best friend, and the third rides horses and is like a drug to me. i know hes doing me no good, but i cant let him go. then of course i gave up on men altogether. i saw it coming, i saw it coming for about five years but thought it might go away. and then i fell in love with a girl who stepped into my life and became my best friend and then just at the point i thought...well...she went to uni and came back straight. bloody straight. maybe she always had been, maybe i just didnt want to see it. this is a ramble about me and my sexually frustrated life. but i tell you, it was a miracle i didnt make a pass at her over christmas, but next time i see her im gonna give it everything ive got, cos heaven knows i have nothing else to lose, when she already has my heart


Heather xoxoxoxoxox

home alone

Dear Mummy,

Does it make me a bad person if i say i'm really happy to have the house to myself? i went to grandpas last night so i have all weekend to revise and more realistically muck about and generally waste time. i'm trying to clean their baking trays. its not working. i spoke to ruth today. shes doing good. shes been to the beach, a bike ride, the cinema and laser shooting during her weeks holiday. some of us are still working. i'm going to try and put together my story - ive been creating it since i was ten - Fiona's helping me, so i annoyed Ruthie by asking her to post all my old notes up. should be fun but better Wait til after exams. i'm not really worried about the exams, i've done ok in the practice sessions. anyway love u lots

heather xoxoxox

At Grandpa's (written earlier, now typed up)

Dear Mummy,

I'm sitting watching tennis with Grandpa. I know you liked tennis but i am sooooooooooo bored. it must be the most boring sport ever: i even enjoyed golf more than this! I don't know how the people there are doing - at least here we have toilet and fridge access. in case you're wondering, the British guy is winning. quite why he is wearing dark pants under white shorts though is beyond me. i dyed my hair again last night - it's now a light auburn; apparently. i dunno. but i love having red hair - it's my favourite. i walked here from David's down the cycle track yesterday: i was told it was 8 miles but it didn't seem it. then again i may just be used to further distances. i could have done the same distance again if i hadn't been so desperate for the loo! i have exams next week, i have to admit i haven't been revising overly hard as i have been enthralled by the 'twilight' series. i mean - it was a fantastic movie - but the books are even better. (The British guy just won btw) it's about this completely ordinary, if somewhat clumsy, girl who falls for a vampire. anyway, they make me cry because i wish she would change her mind and run off with jacob - her bestfriend/werewolf instead. am desperate to read the last one, but i'm gonna wait for it in paperback so that they all match. i'm fussy like that. anyway - better act like i'm interested in these tennis speeches. love you lots

Heather xoxoxoxoxox

i wanna be...

Dear Mummy,

When i was little i wanted to be a mermaid. i loved the feeling of no gravity, the freedom, the warmth of the water. when i started watching buffy i wanted to be a vampire. vampires were hot, sexy, desired - unobtainable. i wanted to be a witch, charmed really took me under. what's scary now is that i don't know what i want to be, but what i don't want to be. i don't want to be normal. i don't want to live on this earth for the next 60 years and be ordinary. i'm still waiting for some major magical transformation, a hogwarts letter that got lost in the post, wings to sprout from my back. i'm still living in fantasy, i'm still missing you

Heather xoxoxoxox

Yet Another Day

Dear Mummy,

So it goes kinda like this - Monday to Wednesday I'm in college, doing collegey stuff, then Thursday Friday I'm at placement in a nursery. they're all very sweet; you'd like them. then i go to grandpa's for the weekend. does it sound silly to say i miss my grandpa, i know he's still there but i miss how he was before the stroke. i miss the stories he used to tell. i miss feeling like family without the effort. it snowed heavily here so i stayed two nights but back to college today for 'developmental theory' and 'developing an understanding' both of which are about as riveting as they sound. I'm taking new moon with me though - its a book about vampires. you probably wouldn't like it....i dunno. any way gotta go pretend like I'm getting up. love you lots

Heather xoxoxoxoxoxox

Living in Scotland

Dear Mummy,

I moved to Scotland to live with your brother, Shona and my cousins in September. David is still as annoying as ever - but I love him! He says he promised you that if anything ever happened to you he would look after me, sometimes I wonder if I am living here because he loves me or because he feels he should honour that promise. You never met Hannah or Ross - something which I'm sure you regret - Hannah looks a lot like Ruth, but acts just like I used to act with the tears and the tantrums. She's better at sticking to things though than I was. They have just left for school, Ross is 5 now and in primary one, and Hannah is 7 and in Primary 3. They are going to Disneyland in a couple of weeks providing Hannah is well enough. We went to Disneyland, remember? I am going into Glasgow today; I need to get money from the bank. I think I'll take my map with me though this time as I have a terrible habit of not being able to find Waterloo Street when trying to catch the bus home. I love Glasgow! Shona took Hannah and I to see the museum 2 weeks ago - they've done it all up; I still love Charles Rennie Mackintosh. Hannah finds him boring though, she likes looking at all the paintings. I stay with Grandpa most Saturday nights. He had a stroke 2 years ago, he's ok physically but has trouble communicating. I really miss him - if you know what I mean. As usual I am putting off getting up (some things never change) but I hope you are feeling well, love to Gran

Lots of love from Heather xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

First and Foremost

This blog is intended to be a selection of things I would like to tell my mother were she alive. She died when I was nine following a severe bout of liver cancer. Understandably I miss her very much and wish she could she the person I am beginning to become.