Drowning

Dear Mummy

On Thursday Carrie left nursery. she had been working there for over ten years and was finally moving on. as she worked the other half of the week to me i have only met her 3 times, yet those times have been an imprint in my life

the headteacher gave a quick goodbye speech in which she highlighted the talents, creativity and memories that not only make Carrie so special, but also are the key components of why she will be missed

and i sat in that room, full of complete strangers, and cried my eyes out for the loss of a woman i hardly knew. if i grow up to be half the nursery 'officer' she is, i will be only too happy.


i sat up late last night and talked for ages to my auntie. i gave up on the laptop as i had a killer migraine and we sat downstairs and talked. we talked about love - and the lack of it. we talked about memories and their poignancy. and we talked about you

and i missed you with a fever, with a burning that started so deep inside of me like a crevice that can never never be filled. it's at times like this that i have to remember what happens to the dead.

they stay dead. stay dead. stay dead.

and sometimes the most dead of all are still breathing but not in our lives. the dead do not return. the dead to not think or remember.

we do not drown by falling into the water.

we drown only by staying there.



i think i need to learn how to move on and leave the past where it belongs

heather xox