Written in the Library

Dear Mummy,

I had jelly this morning. i don't like jelly, but it didn't stop me. then i rang daddy; he is off to Ireland for the week. if i hadn't have rung this morning i wouldn't have caught him.

if i hadn't have rung this morning i wouldn't have even known.


david was talking about you and gran last night. i had to excuse my self so that i could howl my eyes out without anyone there. i rang ruth though, i think i started her off.

we were too young. we all were. daddy was too young to raise two girls by himself

ruth was too young to lose you, i was too young to live without you

and you - you were too young to die. far, far too young

i cried yesterday like i hadn't cried in years. i cried until my chest was heaving and my throat was sore. i cried myself dry, until i was headachy and dehydrated

i cried for you like i probably should have done ten years ago. i'm not strong enough mummy; i am not strong enough to keep on going all by myself - i need somebody bigger and stronger than me to carry me through it

why you? why did my mummy have to die? didn't they know how much we needed you? why couldn't you have got better?

i want to blame someone. i want to blame you for dying - but you were in too much pain to live. i want to blame the doctors that couldn't save you, but they did all they could and fought right up to the last minute

sometimes i want to blame god

if god is all powerful, then he should be able to take away illness. if god is so merciful, he should not have left two children without a mother. if god is so wonderful, he should have raised you from the dead

it seems selfish that he raised his own child but cannot raise someone else's

why do some people live though cancer and some are consumed entirely by it? how can your own body fight against itself until it eventually kills you?

i blame the cancer. i blame the evil within us. we need to fight against the cancer and find cures for this cancer

this week the Japanese have created a humanoid robot. how can people put so much effort into that when they could concentrate on saving lives and finding cures?

when you died we were offered anger therapy, but as dad quite rightly said, we weren't angry.

i'm angry now


heather xoxox