Peter Pan

(This was written on Saturday at my Grandpa's house. Due to lack of internet it is only being uploaded now x)

Dear Mummy,

I just watched a movie I really shouldn't have, it's one of Ruth's favourites. Jeremy Sumpter plays Peter Pan and she happens to think he's cute. Anyway, I try not to watch it as a rule, partly because I don't like watching anything with a love theme, and partly because I still struggle seeing small blue eyed blonde boys. But there was nothing else on so I chose it for something to do.

The thing is for whatever reason it makes my heart ache for Stuart. Cos it's about two people who spend time together, doing nothing in particular - but the girl falls in love with him. And because of who Peter is he can't fall in love back. He is physically and mentally unable to. And there's this point in the movie where love gets in the way and he asks "Why do you have to ruin everything? We have fun don't we, what more is there?". And that's where I start crying and don't stop until the end of the movie.

See, I don't know what was worse; when I was in high school and loved Stuart with no chance of reciprication, or knowing him now and knowing he chooses not to.

I can be as gay as I like, but it doesn't matter how many girls I dream of or want, part of me will always belong to him. Because I'm an idiot. I used to say that maybe I wouldn't love him anymore, maybe it would all be different. But I saw him in October and nothing and everything had changed, and I love him Mummy - he doesn't know what love is. He understands lust and passion maybe, but I don't believe he's ever felt a true emotion in his life; the only woman who will ever matter to him is his mother. And maybe that's the way it should be.

I just have to remind myself that he is part of the reason I upped and moved 400 miles away, and just because we are talking now and I am going home for the summer, does not overrule those reasons. Or the fact I landed in a psychiatric ward. Just because you love something doesn't mean it is good for you. Take cigarettes for example, or alcohol or drugs.

I am getting better, I know I am - I look in the mirror and smile at who I see. I am not about to stop talking to him, i've considered it - but I've been in a world without him before and I didn't like it. It is better to have him as a sort of friend than not to have him at all I guess.

I love you Mummy - they say I have separation issues because you died and I never delt with it. But I love you and all you did for me, and you were in pain and I wouldn't have had it any other way, not for you. I love you so much,

Heather xxxxxxxxxx