What a summer!

Dear Mummy

I realise I have blabbered on about my dreams and stuff without actually telling you how the summer has gone. Well it's August now, and I've been down since late June. Fiona and I had fun going to the beach and hanging out on the trampoline etc etc it was lovely to have her here. It felt very empty when she left. I know Ruthie misses her a lot.

Ruth's A-Level results come in this Thursday, she is extremely nervous - she seems to be considering the possibility of having to retake the year. I honestly don't think she has done as bad as that but as that is her fear I can only be there to support her. We have a two way plan - if she passes we plan to go out and celebrate. If she fails we plan to make a plan on how to help her through next year and get her hammered in the mean time.

I heard from the college and have secured accommodation for next year, am getting very excited now - I hope it will turn out to be as much fun as I hope it to be. Obviously the major advantage will be that I can jump out of bed at 8.45 and not have to worry about buses and things :D

I have had my results posted through. I received a level 6 in my NC and an A in my higher, both in the subject of Early Education and Childcare, so I am a very happy bunny.

I forgot to mention that I have actually met up with Stuart this holiday. We went out one Friday night a couple of weeks back. We went to the beach and had a McDonalds and stuff. It was strange 'cause I was expecting it to feel like I was with a complete stranger, when in fact it was just like getting my best friend back. He was an idiot mind and extraordinarily frustrating and obnoxious as expected, but at the same time annoyingly gorgeous nonetheless. I do not yet know if we are meeting up again before I go or not. Part of me really wants to see more of him, and part of me wants to leave it as it is as we got on really well and I have lots of happy memories now, and I don't really want to put them in jeopardy.

I am getting ready to write a list of things I will need to take with me to the college, Dad and Corinne have talked about getting me a mini-fridge for my goats' milk and cheese and stuff, but I don't know if this is happening yet. I really don't want to leave Ruthie here alone, I think she will be dreadfully unhappy next year with all her friends gone off to uni and her needing a job in the hospital, which means she will have to drop her dino job, even if the new one is just voluntary as she needs the experience for her nurses course. On the plus side, she has a car now so she can at least get away independently when she needs to.

Much love and kisses

Heather xoxoxoxox

Strange Dreams

Dear Mummy

I had this really strange dream last night and it has totally freaked me out. Firstly there was no sound it was all very odd and very real. The doorbell went and I answered it and it was Stuart, and we went round to the trampoline to talk or something. Anyway - this being the first really perculiar part - we stopped talking bacause he kissed me. And then mid kiss, I stabbed him. In the lower abdomen. And my hands and this strange but beautiful dagger were covered in his blood, and yet we didn't stop kissing. And I didn't stop stabbing. And I rolled on top of him and sliced him open from neck to navel and reached my hands underneath his skin on one side and pressed down until his ribs broke beneath me. And I could feels his bones and his organs and his blood was everywhere and dripping through the holes in the trampoline. And he was still kissing me.

This of course is when Ruth woke me up, so I have no idea if all this craziness had any moral. All I know is that I have woken up completely freaked out.

I don't know. Guess I just needed to tell someone. Possibly a psychiatrist or something, but as I don't have one any more, you will have to do. Hope you're having fun singing with the angels and all that,

Love you

Heather xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Heroes

Dear Mummy

I think I'm going to hell. Actually I'm pretty sure of it. You see, if it is a sin to even think a sin then actually committing one must be a one-way ticket downwards.

I've recently got into this TV programme called Heroes, and its about this group of people with special powers who set out to save the world. And it focusses around this guy called Peter Petrelli - who is played by Milo Ventimiglia and is, incidently, sizzling hot - anyway he is certain he can save the whole world, onlyto find out that he alone is the threat that the world is facing.

Why am I going to hell you are asking? Because after every programme, i dedicate my evening's daydreams to getting Peter and his brother Nathan into a relationship. Which i guess is about as wrong as you can get! But hey, hot guys are asking for it.

It's nice being home, Ruth is even more beautiful than ever and Norfolk is even more boring. I can't wait to leave again, though admittedly I don't know that I have yet found anywhere else I really feel happy at home either.

Ruth is showing me Michael Jackson teaching Michael Jordan to dance. She's been really upset since he died, I don't honestly know whether she will ever truly get over it.

Anyway, i gotta go. Have a body-shop party tonight. Which would be a lot more fun if I actually had money to spend! Lol :)

Love you so much

Your hell-bound daughter

Heather xoxox

Peter Pan

(This was written on Saturday at my Grandpa's house. Due to lack of internet it is only being uploaded now x)

Dear Mummy,

I just watched a movie I really shouldn't have, it's one of Ruth's favourites. Jeremy Sumpter plays Peter Pan and she happens to think he's cute. Anyway, I try not to watch it as a rule, partly because I don't like watching anything with a love theme, and partly because I still struggle seeing small blue eyed blonde boys. But there was nothing else on so I chose it for something to do.

The thing is for whatever reason it makes my heart ache for Stuart. Cos it's about two people who spend time together, doing nothing in particular - but the girl falls in love with him. And because of who Peter is he can't fall in love back. He is physically and mentally unable to. And there's this point in the movie where love gets in the way and he asks "Why do you have to ruin everything? We have fun don't we, what more is there?". And that's where I start crying and don't stop until the end of the movie.

See, I don't know what was worse; when I was in high school and loved Stuart with no chance of reciprication, or knowing him now and knowing he chooses not to.

I can be as gay as I like, but it doesn't matter how many girls I dream of or want, part of me will always belong to him. Because I'm an idiot. I used to say that maybe I wouldn't love him anymore, maybe it would all be different. But I saw him in October and nothing and everything had changed, and I love him Mummy - he doesn't know what love is. He understands lust and passion maybe, but I don't believe he's ever felt a true emotion in his life; the only woman who will ever matter to him is his mother. And maybe that's the way it should be.

I just have to remind myself that he is part of the reason I upped and moved 400 miles away, and just because we are talking now and I am going home for the summer, does not overrule those reasons. Or the fact I landed in a psychiatric ward. Just because you love something doesn't mean it is good for you. Take cigarettes for example, or alcohol or drugs.

I am getting better, I know I am - I look in the mirror and smile at who I see. I am not about to stop talking to him, i've considered it - but I've been in a world without him before and I didn't like it. It is better to have him as a sort of friend than not to have him at all I guess.

I love you Mummy - they say I have separation issues because you died and I never delt with it. But I love you and all you did for me, and you were in pain and I wouldn't have had it any other way, not for you. I love you so much,

Heather xxxxxxxxxx

Victorian Assembly

Dear Mummy

At Hannah's request I went to see her perform in her Victorian assembly this morning, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was funny, witty and extremely cute.

But I felt out of place. Even though I had been invited I still felt like a gate crasher surrounded by rolls royce and porche drivers who are spending a small fortune to put their children through this school. And I felt that people were shunning me, looking in my direction but not physically seeing me. Is it that obvious I'm not rolling in money?

I felt like an outsider and a downright outcast this morning. The school was lovely and the work displayed was bright and very well done, but it still felt like a completely different world to me. It was like this reign of academic achievement, with little warmth and little care for the pupils themselves.

Hannah did very well, she was a delight.

Heather xox

Finally....

Dear Mummy,

I am so sorry i have not written to you recently - I have been in full panic over exams and placement folders and such stuff. I hope you're okay and enjoying an afterlife of luxury.

So anyway, that's all the exams over i hope - unless of course I fail and have to resit tomorrow, but to be honest I am not planning that!

I am going home over the holidays - I can't wait. I am taking Fiona with me as well so I will have fun being a tourist in my own county for a while. We are taking a coach down there, it'll be about 14 hours or something equally stupid. We have lots of games planned though so we shouldn't go too crazy. Of course we may be fed up of each other by the end of it but I hope not.

I had a lovely birthday, i was spoilt rotten with clothes and money so am a happy girl.

I have also applied for accommodation at the college next year which should be an experience. I can cope with the independence - it's sharing cooking facilities that is going to kill me! You should have seen the state of this place when they showed me round: I'm going to go mad! Daddy says he will bring me back up instead of the bus as i will need to take stuff like crockery with me. I can't wait if I'm honest. I'm going mad in here. I love my cousins but it has to be detrimental to my emotional heath living with my uncle. He bangs on about making an effort and looking good etc. then he goes out of his way to lower my self esteem and make me feel like a fucking freak. So I really am ready to leave.

I don't know what I am going to do about Stuart this summer. I hope we can meet up and hang out but I think it will feel odd and other worldly - part of me will always adore him no matter what and I know he gives very little thought to me. We will have to see what happens - I will once again leave it in the hands of Fate - I just pray she is nice to me.

I am looking forward to seeing Gavin this holiday, life always seems so much better and more complete when he is around. He really is a blessing to me and anyone lucky enough to have him in their life.

Ruthie is in the middle of her A-Levels at the moment - she has psychology today. I think she is finding it much harder than she expected. But she's bright and I'm sure will be okay, if she just stops panicking for a second that is :)

Anyways - I'm gonna go and maybe do some writing or reading or summit. I wrote poems on Saturday for the first time in ages, it felt good.

Love you lots and lots

Heather xoxoxoxoxoxox

Message In A Bottle

Dear Mummy,

Last Saturday Hannah recieved a letter in the post. it was from a couple in lincolnshire who were returning her letter to her. this may seem like an ordinary, if slightly odd circumstance - but three years ago Hannah posted this letter in a wine bottle and flung it off the coast of John O'Groats. it is nice to think there is some hope left in the world, that people will try to brighten the life of a small child by taking a stranger into their hearts for just a moment.

we have had a horrible scare with Ross the last couple of days - we thought he might be down with meninitis, but he seems to have recovered now. in fact he is now overly hyper and is driving his parents up the wall.

i was out at placement today, it was glorious outside so i took my activity onto the patio and sat with the children there. we were making under the sea pictures, it was very popular. tomorrow we are going to make a 3D one, i have made a little aquarium out of a box and they are going to make fishes to hang in there like theyre swimming so that should be good..........either that or a disaster.

i miss you lots - especially as ruthie is coming up next week to see me. i miss her too


love you lots and lots and lots
Heather xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx