Peapodo Training And A Little Bit Of Heartbreak

Dear Mummy

I had a session of peapodo training today. it's a brand new initiative that is being introduced into nurseries in this area. it was like a beanstalk which 7 large coloured peas grew of off. each of these pea pods contained a different resource which you could use with the children.

• 3 mp3 players
• 5 scented ink pads
• 7 blindfolds
• 7 finger torches
• 1 superhero cape
• 2 large blank dice
• 7 magic wands

so i was sitting there full of joy! there are so many things i want to do with that, and the manual that comes with it is just bursting with activities. anyway my enthusiasm must have shown because now i'm the peapodo coordinator. great move heather.

anyway...on the subject of heartbreak, my soul died just a little bit more on two different occasions yesterday. the first was when i realised that in taking a course in early education and childcare i wasnt just getting an education or setting myself up for a decent job, i was assigning myself a career. i dont want a career, i just want to write a good book and earn enough money that i can afford to do nothing but write for the rest of my life. what if i cant do this? what if i'm not cut out to be a childcare worker...what if i never achieve my dreams?

the second, more soul destroying point was when i talked to stuart yesterday. stuart was a friend i had in high school. he was, for a while, my best friend ever. i remember so much about him and all the stupid things we did - i even wrote a novel all about it. well it turns out he cant remember any of it. everything that is so essential to my life at that time means nothing to him. a little bit of me died last night, knowing that two people can share an experience and come out of it in two completely different ways, with two completely different views as to its importance and life changing ability. i think i feel sorry for him, maybe not all those memories and experiences were positive ones, but without a doubt they helped to contribute to making me the person i am today. and i'm a stronger and better person for it, and its disappointing to think he may have missed out on that.

love you

Heather xoxoxoxoxox

Exam

Dear Mummy,

I had an exam today, it was on holistic health. i wasn't too worried as i'd revised and was calm about the whole situation. anyway the crunch of the matter was that i was put in a room with a whole lotta people who were typing, chatting etc so i kinda walked out. i'm annoyed cos after i left college last time i promised i'd never walk out of these things again. what if i walk away from everything forever?

Heather xoxoxox

p.s. expect a fail on this one, sorry

sugar rush

Dear Mummy

I had another uneventful day. i got up late and watched two seasons of sugar rush. it's about a girl who has a massive crush on her best friend who is just generally a slut who sleeps around and uses her for selfish means. it's a parody of my life i swear. it just has a lot more sex in it than in mine. a lot of people say that girls will inevitably turn out like their mothers, so i gotta know - did you ever like girls. cos news flash, you've got a gay daughter and dad's not too happy with it, and it makes me wonder ur reaction. i have depression, were you ever depressed. the first guy i loved played the drums - did yours. the second i still adore and is my very best friend, and the third rides horses and is like a drug to me. i know hes doing me no good, but i cant let him go. then of course i gave up on men altogether. i saw it coming, i saw it coming for about five years but thought it might go away. and then i fell in love with a girl who stepped into my life and became my best friend and then just at the point i thought...well...she went to uni and came back straight. bloody straight. maybe she always had been, maybe i just didnt want to see it. this is a ramble about me and my sexually frustrated life. but i tell you, it was a miracle i didnt make a pass at her over christmas, but next time i see her im gonna give it everything ive got, cos heaven knows i have nothing else to lose, when she already has my heart


Heather xoxoxoxoxox

home alone

Dear Mummy,

Does it make me a bad person if i say i'm really happy to have the house to myself? i went to grandpas last night so i have all weekend to revise and more realistically muck about and generally waste time. i'm trying to clean their baking trays. its not working. i spoke to ruth today. shes doing good. shes been to the beach, a bike ride, the cinema and laser shooting during her weeks holiday. some of us are still working. i'm going to try and put together my story - ive been creating it since i was ten - Fiona's helping me, so i annoyed Ruthie by asking her to post all my old notes up. should be fun but better Wait til after exams. i'm not really worried about the exams, i've done ok in the practice sessions. anyway love u lots

heather xoxoxox

At Grandpa's (written earlier, now typed up)

Dear Mummy,

I'm sitting watching tennis with Grandpa. I know you liked tennis but i am sooooooooooo bored. it must be the most boring sport ever: i even enjoyed golf more than this! I don't know how the people there are doing - at least here we have toilet and fridge access. in case you're wondering, the British guy is winning. quite why he is wearing dark pants under white shorts though is beyond me. i dyed my hair again last night - it's now a light auburn; apparently. i dunno. but i love having red hair - it's my favourite. i walked here from David's down the cycle track yesterday: i was told it was 8 miles but it didn't seem it. then again i may just be used to further distances. i could have done the same distance again if i hadn't been so desperate for the loo! i have exams next week, i have to admit i haven't been revising overly hard as i have been enthralled by the 'twilight' series. i mean - it was a fantastic movie - but the books are even better. (The British guy just won btw) it's about this completely ordinary, if somewhat clumsy, girl who falls for a vampire. anyway, they make me cry because i wish she would change her mind and run off with jacob - her bestfriend/werewolf instead. am desperate to read the last one, but i'm gonna wait for it in paperback so that they all match. i'm fussy like that. anyway - better act like i'm interested in these tennis speeches. love you lots

Heather xoxoxoxoxox

i wanna be...

Dear Mummy,

When i was little i wanted to be a mermaid. i loved the feeling of no gravity, the freedom, the warmth of the water. when i started watching buffy i wanted to be a vampire. vampires were hot, sexy, desired - unobtainable. i wanted to be a witch, charmed really took me under. what's scary now is that i don't know what i want to be, but what i don't want to be. i don't want to be normal. i don't want to live on this earth for the next 60 years and be ordinary. i'm still waiting for some major magical transformation, a hogwarts letter that got lost in the post, wings to sprout from my back. i'm still living in fantasy, i'm still missing you

Heather xoxoxoxox

Yet Another Day

Dear Mummy,

So it goes kinda like this - Monday to Wednesday I'm in college, doing collegey stuff, then Thursday Friday I'm at placement in a nursery. they're all very sweet; you'd like them. then i go to grandpa's for the weekend. does it sound silly to say i miss my grandpa, i know he's still there but i miss how he was before the stroke. i miss the stories he used to tell. i miss feeling like family without the effort. it snowed heavily here so i stayed two nights but back to college today for 'developmental theory' and 'developing an understanding' both of which are about as riveting as they sound. I'm taking new moon with me though - its a book about vampires. you probably wouldn't like it....i dunno. any way gotta go pretend like I'm getting up. love you lots

Heather xoxoxoxoxoxox

Living in Scotland

Dear Mummy,

I moved to Scotland to live with your brother, Shona and my cousins in September. David is still as annoying as ever - but I love him! He says he promised you that if anything ever happened to you he would look after me, sometimes I wonder if I am living here because he loves me or because he feels he should honour that promise. You never met Hannah or Ross - something which I'm sure you regret - Hannah looks a lot like Ruth, but acts just like I used to act with the tears and the tantrums. She's better at sticking to things though than I was. They have just left for school, Ross is 5 now and in primary one, and Hannah is 7 and in Primary 3. They are going to Disneyland in a couple of weeks providing Hannah is well enough. We went to Disneyland, remember? I am going into Glasgow today; I need to get money from the bank. I think I'll take my map with me though this time as I have a terrible habit of not being able to find Waterloo Street when trying to catch the bus home. I love Glasgow! Shona took Hannah and I to see the museum 2 weeks ago - they've done it all up; I still love Charles Rennie Mackintosh. Hannah finds him boring though, she likes looking at all the paintings. I stay with Grandpa most Saturday nights. He had a stroke 2 years ago, he's ok physically but has trouble communicating. I really miss him - if you know what I mean. As usual I am putting off getting up (some things never change) but I hope you are feeling well, love to Gran

Lots of love from Heather xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

First and Foremost

This blog is intended to be a selection of things I would like to tell my mother were she alive. She died when I was nine following a severe bout of liver cancer. Understandably I miss her very much and wish she could she the person I am beginning to become.