Peter Pan

(This was written on Saturday at my Grandpa's house. Due to lack of internet it is only being uploaded now x)

Dear Mummy,

I just watched a movie I really shouldn't have, it's one of Ruth's favourites. Jeremy Sumpter plays Peter Pan and she happens to think he's cute. Anyway, I try not to watch it as a rule, partly because I don't like watching anything with a love theme, and partly because I still struggle seeing small blue eyed blonde boys. But there was nothing else on so I chose it for something to do.

The thing is for whatever reason it makes my heart ache for Stuart. Cos it's about two people who spend time together, doing nothing in particular - but the girl falls in love with him. And because of who Peter is he can't fall in love back. He is physically and mentally unable to. And there's this point in the movie where love gets in the way and he asks "Why do you have to ruin everything? We have fun don't we, what more is there?". And that's where I start crying and don't stop until the end of the movie.

See, I don't know what was worse; when I was in high school and loved Stuart with no chance of reciprication, or knowing him now and knowing he chooses not to.

I can be as gay as I like, but it doesn't matter how many girls I dream of or want, part of me will always belong to him. Because I'm an idiot. I used to say that maybe I wouldn't love him anymore, maybe it would all be different. But I saw him in October and nothing and everything had changed, and I love him Mummy - he doesn't know what love is. He understands lust and passion maybe, but I don't believe he's ever felt a true emotion in his life; the only woman who will ever matter to him is his mother. And maybe that's the way it should be.

I just have to remind myself that he is part of the reason I upped and moved 400 miles away, and just because we are talking now and I am going home for the summer, does not overrule those reasons. Or the fact I landed in a psychiatric ward. Just because you love something doesn't mean it is good for you. Take cigarettes for example, or alcohol or drugs.

I am getting better, I know I am - I look in the mirror and smile at who I see. I am not about to stop talking to him, i've considered it - but I've been in a world without him before and I didn't like it. It is better to have him as a sort of friend than not to have him at all I guess.

I love you Mummy - they say I have separation issues because you died and I never delt with it. But I love you and all you did for me, and you were in pain and I wouldn't have had it any other way, not for you. I love you so much,

Heather xxxxxxxxxx

Victorian Assembly

Dear Mummy

At Hannah's request I went to see her perform in her Victorian assembly this morning, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was funny, witty and extremely cute.

But I felt out of place. Even though I had been invited I still felt like a gate crasher surrounded by rolls royce and porche drivers who are spending a small fortune to put their children through this school. And I felt that people were shunning me, looking in my direction but not physically seeing me. Is it that obvious I'm not rolling in money?

I felt like an outsider and a downright outcast this morning. The school was lovely and the work displayed was bright and very well done, but it still felt like a completely different world to me. It was like this reign of academic achievement, with little warmth and little care for the pupils themselves.

Hannah did very well, she was a delight.

Heather xox

Finally....

Dear Mummy,

I am so sorry i have not written to you recently - I have been in full panic over exams and placement folders and such stuff. I hope you're okay and enjoying an afterlife of luxury.

So anyway, that's all the exams over i hope - unless of course I fail and have to resit tomorrow, but to be honest I am not planning that!

I am going home over the holidays - I can't wait. I am taking Fiona with me as well so I will have fun being a tourist in my own county for a while. We are taking a coach down there, it'll be about 14 hours or something equally stupid. We have lots of games planned though so we shouldn't go too crazy. Of course we may be fed up of each other by the end of it but I hope not.

I had a lovely birthday, i was spoilt rotten with clothes and money so am a happy girl.

I have also applied for accommodation at the college next year which should be an experience. I can cope with the independence - it's sharing cooking facilities that is going to kill me! You should have seen the state of this place when they showed me round: I'm going to go mad! Daddy says he will bring me back up instead of the bus as i will need to take stuff like crockery with me. I can't wait if I'm honest. I'm going mad in here. I love my cousins but it has to be detrimental to my emotional heath living with my uncle. He bangs on about making an effort and looking good etc. then he goes out of his way to lower my self esteem and make me feel like a fucking freak. So I really am ready to leave.

I don't know what I am going to do about Stuart this summer. I hope we can meet up and hang out but I think it will feel odd and other worldly - part of me will always adore him no matter what and I know he gives very little thought to me. We will have to see what happens - I will once again leave it in the hands of Fate - I just pray she is nice to me.

I am looking forward to seeing Gavin this holiday, life always seems so much better and more complete when he is around. He really is a blessing to me and anyone lucky enough to have him in their life.

Ruthie is in the middle of her A-Levels at the moment - she has psychology today. I think she is finding it much harder than she expected. But she's bright and I'm sure will be okay, if she just stops panicking for a second that is :)

Anyways - I'm gonna go and maybe do some writing or reading or summit. I wrote poems on Saturday for the first time in ages, it felt good.

Love you lots and lots

Heather xoxoxoxoxoxox